But it was part of my plan. This is what I pleadingly repeat to myself as I attempt to wipe the sleep out of my burning red eyes on yet another late night in front of a glowing screen after a long day at work, followed but an evening being the best mother and wife I could be to my family. Juggling a full-time job, being a mother of a toddler, and being an online Graduate student is very difficult, most of my friends described my life as impossible, but I’m stubborn. It was simply a part of my plan, and though I strongly miscalculated said plan Out of inexperience and naivety, I feel this relentless weight to just keep my head down and pummel through. That’s when I started to notice that though I was a fantastic student, I was starting to slack in other areas of my life. For example, Some of my best friends have just had babies that I haven’t even met yet. Very uncharacteristic of me, I love babies! I’ve said it before, babies are the physical becoming of time passing. If a baby has been born and a friend has not met the baby yet, the age of the baby= how long you haven’t seen that friend.
Time just blurred passed as I spent my day ar work drinking copious amounts of caffeine, and my nights attempting to stay awake for yet another late night becoming more and more familiar with 4 AM and 5 AM on s regular basis. The funny thing is, that I did all of this with a smile on my face. #FakeItTillYouMakeIt I was attempting to be as perfect as possible in my highly meticulous job that requires me to be as such. My health also fell to the way side as I stopped cooking for my family despite my love for Doing so. I started cooking maybe once or twice a week instead of every day like I was used to. As if that’s not enough sacrifice, I also stopped cleaning the house altogether. And without me cleaning the place is an absolute disaster, I feel like I’m living like an animal just trudging through my homemade dump. Needless to say, It was getting out of hand.
The most upsetting part about all of this was the amount of resentment for my toddler, that I had to work hard to suppress, by reminding myself that my love for him outweighed it every single time. However, it was always there peeking its ugly little head, that tinge of resentment every single time he cried for me in the middle of the night, my usually amazing sleeper seemed to sense when I had procrastinated and had yet another deadline to meet at midnight that night. It’s difficult for me to write or complete anything critically with constant interruption. I was sacrificing my health, my happiness, and the maintenance of my home to be a good student.
Initially, an online graduate program seemed like an ideal situation for me considering the fact that I was on maternity leave and my baby slept nearly 20 or of 24 hours, but my my, how times have changed!
I thought attending school online would be easy, but I found it more challenging and demanding than attending in- Person. I thought the teachers would be more understanding and willing to be flexible with deadlines, but I was wrong, I learned that the hard way, that part was either false advertisement from the school, or an extreme misunderstanding from myself. Lastly, I thought I would be more disappointed in myself, I dread that feeling, however upon making that decision all I felt was relief and weightlessness. I also slept for 48hours straight out of sheer exhaustion and it was formidable. I do not recommend Yorkville University for moms, or people with demanding full-time jobs, or their people that require flexibility. It’s more expensive than conventional education, and much more demanding and time consuming.
I’m ridiculously close to obtaining my Masters Degree, so I’m telling myself that this is temporary, that sits well with me.
I wonder what inspired my will to do absolutely everything at once? Maybe it’s because my mom seemed to sacrifice her dreams for my brothers and I, and I’ve always felt kind of guilty for that. Maybe it’s because I wanted to prove to my friends that don’t have children that it’s not as hard as they think it is, but that would be a blatant lie. Being a mom is much harder than you think it is, in all the best ways of course, moms will understand that statement.
So much guilt! Mom guilt, over-achiever guilt and student guilt, but Screw that! I forgive myself, for letting my family down, and my teachers down, but I congratulate myself for realizing this and getting out with my marriage, and sanity still intact.
Be more adaptable. Life isn’t as simple as making a goal and achieving said goals. As a mom, I feel like I’ve gained an entire planet, and every action I make affects the weather, the air and the pollution-level of said planet. I need to be better in a different way for myself and for my family, so I quit school, and I haven’t been this relaxed in a long time. I’ve also read 18 books in 3.5 months time. Cheers to making the hard decisions you need to make out of self-love.
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