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#NewMomProblems Daycare Blues


I've returned to work this week. *Moment of silence for all of the new moms going through this difficult and tragic time.*


When I’m asked “how is daycare going?” and I say “okay…” what I really want to say will be in the following blog posting.


Day 1 –I drop off the unsuspecting man-cub who is quickly distracted by new toys and new friends to play with. I proceed to sneak away when he’s not looking because I hate goodbyes. Phew! Made it to the car, scotch free, he didn’t see me, so he didn’t cry. Avoided situations always turn out well right? … The French daycare he’s in has a smartphone app that very much resembles this blog. It has pictures and text updates as well as a timeline of previous postings. I am distracted in my office constantly checking the app for updates all day, missing my baby like CRAZY. Do you blame me? He has become my 24/7 loyal little side-kick and companion until today, cold-turkey style, a full 8hr day without him. I digress... I spend the day anxious and constantly refreshing the app… I work until 4pm, and they finally add photos and updates at 3:41pm… those jerks! Not happy… Especially since despite the smiley baby pics, the update reads “Will not nap, refuses to eat all food…”  The hunger strike begins.


Day 2- Of returning to work (though  it already feels like more than that… how the heck did I do this everyday before?…*yawns* I want to sleep in). I knew running away on day 1 was a mistake when he instantly started crying and tightly clinging onto me for dear life as soon as he realized where we were headed. Big wet tears streamed down his chubby little cheeks as he looked up at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen. As if asking “why don’t you love me?” He kept pleading in the only way he knew how “Mama! Mamaaaa! Mama!” As if promising to be good if we went back home.


Despite my efforts to be strong, I taste the saltiness of my own tears and feel my heart aching… I feel so ridiculous and dramatic while writing this, but this is immensely heart wrenching. 


One of the educators greets him with a smile and slowly approaches with a soft and soothing voice however, he grips me even more tightly nonetheless. It took two EAs to firmly (but gently) pry his strong grip around my torso away from me. Once we separate, his cry intensifies… a shriek-like cry “MAMA! MAMA! MAMAAA!!” in a cringe-worthy pitch that I’ve never heard before. My heart is racing, and my chest hurts as I look at his screaming reddening face with tears dripping off his little chin.


My poor baby didn’t understand what was happening, and frankly, neither did I.


I knew it would be difficult, I expected difficult. But this here? This was torture. I had to fight my physiological response to save my baby from “harm” by taking him far away from the place that filled him with such dread. I had to fight the urge to call work and say ‘I can’t do this guys…’ and go to console him. It took everything in my power to turn my car on after I finally drag my stiff resisting legs away from my screaming babe, to make my way to the parking lot. I did it though, I turned on the car, and you will never believe what song was playing on the God forsaken radio : “ Don’t wanna close my eyes, don’t wanna fall asleep cause’ I miss you babe, and I don’t wanna miss a thing.” I wish I was making this up! That was the last straw for me. Despite successfully driving away, I ugly cried all the way to work because in that moment there were no truer words “I really don’t want to miss a thing”.. and I already missed him. I’m heartbroken, sad and filled with guilt and a hint of self-loathing… do I really value money and a ‘career’ over raising my own child? Will I become one of the many who regret not spending enough time with their kids when they were younger? What if he likes daycare attendants more than he likes me one day? What if… what if … what if.


I don’t know… I’m kind of losing my mind with ruminating thoughts of inadequacy, insecurity and guilt… so so much friggin guilt. . .


Day 3 and 4 have been the exact same way (without the ironic song that I strongly believe the universe sent me to help me release my overwhelm of emotions with a good cry).


Now, my postings aren’t usually like this guys… but I had to write about these very real feelings, as dramatic as they seem today. I hope to read this posting again sometime, hopefully sooner than later, and laugh at myself… today it’s not funny though.


The worst part about all of this is that his hunger strike continues! … He refuses to eat for them still. Maybe the food is terrible and I’ve spoiled him with deliciousness because I’m a fantastic chef. *toot toot* . . . who knows. All I know is that it’s only day 4, and this is torturous guys.


Send good vibes my way, I could use some. *Le sigh*
I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.



#MomTruths #NewMomProblems #FirstWeekOfDaycare #MomBlues #MakeItStop #MyPoorBaby
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