"So how's daycare going?"
When I say ‘okay’… what I really want to say is that
it’s not that great.
Daycare isn't getting easier for me, but it
is getting easier for him (apparently). He still screams "MAMA!"
every morning with big tear drops streaming down his face. It still crushes my
heart every morning, (how can it not?...) I'm not numb to his crying yet (What If I
never am?).... Plus I'm still
breastfeeding so physiologically, and quite literally… I'm a hot mess.
This is the beginning of week three, and he
has now started crying for the entire 20-minute car ride to daycare. He then proceeds to fight me when I try to take him out of the car seat when we arrive. He's
strong too! He has ripped a blouse and a necklace almost effortlessly because
he didn't want to let go of me when I tried handing him off to the daycare
attendants. He also head-butted one of them right in the mouth, taking her by
surprise and frankly, making me wonder if she might resent him for it for the
rest of the day lol... Despite it all, they always reassure me that he is very quickly soothed
after I leave. Apparently he just puts on a convincing show for mom. Really man-cub?! This is torturous! What a miserable way to start every morning: Heartbroken & consumed with guilt.
My previous post was the first of its kind. It was a
cry for help, and that was me being completely vulnerable, and frankly it took
a ton of courage for me to publish the posting. I am so grateful that I did because
though I’m still struggling, I feel a lot less alone.
My mom community has taken me in with open arms and a
TON of words of encouragement that make me feel a lot less ridiculous for
struggling with this. This posting will focus on that… coping, thanks to words
of wisdom from the com’mom’uty (shhh, it’s a clever pun). #GratiTuesday
“I remember these
feelings all too well! Please know that he will never love anyone more than he
loves his mama! The fact that he cries when you pick him up is proof of that
overwhelm of emotion that comes with love!”
Thank you for helping me feel less ridiculous. Your
empathy and compassion means the world to me.
“Well
you’ve been pretty much his whole world up until this point! And you’re pretty
loveable! And I think the heart wrenching will be there until the day that we
die… in various intensities and for various reasons.”
Becoming a
mother changes our very makeup and our hearts forever in ways that we can’t
comprehend. From joy and attachment, to anxiety and protectiveness,
a mother’s behaviour roots from a biochemical reaction… In other words it’s okay
not to feel okay right now! I think acknowledging and accepting the realities
of my emotions helps them become much more bearable to me. I think
that’s the reason the first step towards recovery for absolutely anything is
always admitting and acknowledging the reality. Take Alcoholics Anonymous for
example vocalizing the words “I am an alcoholic” is the first step towards recovery.
Admitting my struggle has since made it, less difficult… even if the situation
hasn’t changed much (unfortunately).
2.
Food from home! There is a
general stereotype that being healthy and eating whole foods is expensive. Even
daycares feed babies things like Jello, canned syrup fruit and cake… due to the
fact that it’s considered inexpensive. I don’t understand it myself, because of
the simple fact that it’s terrible
for everyone, including kids. And frankly, Eating
healthy is cheaper than you think. Felix, bless his heart, refuses most of the
junk food because we don’t eat like that at home. When I started sending him to
daycare with his own deliciousness ‘fruit pureed pouches, fruits, steamed
veggies etc…” and his hunger strike ended for good! :D
Despite how difficult it can be, motherhood is
truly a sisterhood; nothing unites women quite like the experience of pregnancy,
labour and the real hard part, maternity.
If you ever feel alone, and as if you’re
struggling, try reaching out. If I can, I'd be happy to help you. Even if you don’t know many people, I recommend
facebook groups such as:
Niagara Mommy Network & The Parent life
network
It really does take a village, not only
to raise a child, but also to raise a mother. J
My previous post was the first of its kind. It was a
cry for help, and that was me being completely vulnerable, and frankly it took
a ton of courage for me to publish the posting. I am so grateful that I did because
though I’m still struggling, I feel a lot less alone. 
Becoming a
mother changes our very makeup and our hearts forever in ways that we can’t
comprehend. From joy and attachment, to anxiety and protectiveness,
a mother’s behaviour roots from a biochemical reaction… In other words it’s okay
not to feel okay right now! I think acknowledging and accepting the realities
of my emotions helps them become much more bearable to me. I think
that’s the reason the first step towards recovery for absolutely anything is
always admitting and acknowledging the reality. Take Alcoholics Anonymous for
example vocalizing the words “I am an alcoholic” is the first step towards recovery.
Admitting my struggle has since made it, less difficult… even if the situation
hasn’t changed much (unfortunately).
2.
Food from home! There is a
general stereotype that being healthy and eating whole foods is expensive. Even
daycares feed babies things like Jello, canned syrup fruit and cake… due to the
fact that it’s considered inexpensive. I don’t understand it myself, because of
the simple fact that it’s terrible
for everyone, including kids. And frankly, Eating
healthy is cheaper than you think. Felix, bless his heart, refuses most of the
junk food because we don’t eat like that at home. When I started sending him to
daycare with his own deliciousness ‘fruit pureed pouches, fruits, steamed
veggies etc…” and his hunger strike ended for good! :D 
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